Tried and True Attention-Getting Tactics

Dear Sirs and Ma'ams,

I am responding to your advertisement for "very short fiction" for publication in your literary journal. I think the concept of "very short fiction" is great - I truly feel that stories have become too long and unwieldy in recent years. Let's cut these wordy motherfuckers down to size!

Below, please find my submission, entitled "That Woman Made Me Feel Real Uncomfortable During My Layover at Los Angeles International Airport, 1997." I am confident that you'll find it to be fucking awesome.

Incidentally, I'm having a bit of trouble scraping together the required submission fee at this time, but I believe that my work will knock you in the proverbial nuts hard enough that you'll consider making an exception to the rules for me. My story is simply that devastatingly good.

Here's to the end of flowery prose!
Smartin A. Money


That Woman Made Me Feel Real Uncomfortable During My Layover at Los Angeles International Airport, 1997
by S.A. Money

We got off the plane. I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to be hanging out with this crazy fucker. She was smashed. I had an hour before my shuttle.

I went into the bathroom to freshen up. She waited outside. I hung out at the sink, looking in the mirror for a while longer than I needed to. I thought maybe if I stalled enough, she would leave. She was so drunk that it was entirely possible that she would just forget about me after a few minutes.

But no, when I came out of the bathroom, there she was. She looked incredibly happy to see me return. It was sorta sad. She asked if I would like to join her for a drink at the airport bar.

I said sure and off we went through the corridor. She swore loudly in front of several children along the way.

===


Keith

If I could be anything in the world, it would be a former teen sensation. My star's shine having faded, I'd settle happily into obscurity and buy a nice house somewhere in the middle of the country. I'd occasionally hear my one hit song on the oldies station and smile, reflecting upon when I was young, talented, and loved by legions. I'd get a job even though I wouldn't need one, and I'd come home from work every night with sore muscles. I'd have a wife who met me way before she found out that I used to be briefly famous and we'd have a big dog named Chuck. We'd have plenty of money but we wouldn't live ostentatiously and we'd donate to charities that help sick kids. I'd still have my good looks and once in a while I'd be out to dinner with some friends and a woman at another table would recognize me and ask our waiter to bring us drinks and charge them to her.

"98.6" is great AM Gold from 1967 by a 17-year-old kid who called himself Keith, even though his real name is James Barry Keefer. He's not famous anymore and I hope he's happy.

The Only Totally-True Story I'll Tell This Week (Unembellished Edition): I wrote an article for the new issue of Wired about a Japanese author who connected with readers by sending bits of his novel in serial form to mobile phones. This unique marketing strategy proved to be a real success, and the book went on to sell millions of copies in print and was recently made into a movie.

So a woman calls me yesterday "from Hollywood," on behalf of "a producer at a major movie studio" to inquire about "American film rights to my article." I say: "Well, I can put you in touch with the media director of the company that represents the author of the book I wrote about." She says: "No, you don't understand. We're interested in making a movie based on the article itself, not the book you wrote about in the article." I say: "That'd be one shitty movie. Have you actually seen the article? It's like, less than 200 words long." She says: "Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. And I think it would work really well as a movie." I say: "I think you may be confused. Can I talk to your boss?" She pauses for a few seconds, stammers incomprehensibly, then hangs up on me. I snag her number off of Caller ID and ring her back. She answers: "Blah Blah Blah Productions." I say: "Hi, can I talk to your boss?" She hangs up on me again. I search the number on the Internet and find out the name of the producer she works for. I wait an hour and call back again. I use a fake voice (the one I do that sounds like an older Italian guy) when she picks up this time. "Hey there young lady, may I speak to So-and-So?" "Sure. One moment please." So-and-So gets on the line and I tell her who I am. She is very nice. She wants to know if I can put her in touch with the author of the book I wrote about in the article. I give her the information she wants. She says thanks and hangs up.

===


Kelis - lookin' all good and shit

In Celebration of Songs that Should Have Been Radio Hits but Were Not, Article One: I dunno - I just get this feeling that Kelis has been relegated to one hit wonder status here in America. That should not be. She is super dope and flat out spunkier than any of the pop star clowns that pass for fun and likeable in the US. As evidence of Kelis' utter radness, I offer up this Timo Maas track she sang on a couple of years back. It's called "Help Me," and it would have been a Top 40 smash in a more perfect world. On it, the Donna Summeresque sass that made "Milkshake" a dance anthem is tempered with spooky Portishead-style cool-hop production. Word the fuck up!

Michael James Senese

Star Dish
with your host, Intervue Skillz

I recently had the great pleasure of sitting down with Michael James Senese, star of a sitcom I am currently pitching to some of the lesser networks called "Marty, Is That Jew?" In it, Mike plays Marty, a Jewish teen from a big Jew-laden city, whose family moves to a small Jewless town. Luckily for Marty, he's one of those handsome Jews, so he's able to make friends and get laid and all that. And he teaches the kids about tolerance. But don't worry, the show isn't all seriousness - there'll be plenty of wisecracks! Oy gevalt!!!

Intervue Skillz: Mike, a lot of people know you as an all-around classy guy. But what most folks don't know is that you're also a super-rad musician. What's your favorite instrument to play and why?

Good Old Mike Senese: Well, I grew up playing guitar. I suppose I started off with that because every 14 year old boy wants to at the front of the stage with girls throwing themselves at him. Recently I've started to learn the drums, and I kick myself for having waited so long in life to branch out. It's a completely different type of playing, and I love it.

Intervue Skillz: Fascinating. What's the sexiest instrument in the world?

Good Old Mike Senese: The sexiest instrument? Hmm, probably the cello. It's got such a wide range of tones. It's incredibly versatile and so overlooked as far as what it can add to a huge range of musical styles. There's something kinda great about the way you hold it too. It just looks sexy.

Intervue Skillz: That's terrific. Mike, everyone knows you like to get romantic. What's the most sensual album you own?

Good Old Mike Senese: "Comic Strip" by Serge Gainsbourg. It's just so sultry. If you overlook the goofier songs, it's something that really sets the stage for sharing those magic moments.

Intervue Skillz: You mean the hot and heavy times?

Good Old Mike Senese: You know it.

Intervue Skillz: Fabulous. Sincerely fabulous. Mike, how many people have you taught to play the guitar?

Good Old Mike Senese: Aside from a few friends and a couple of girlfriends' brothers, I tried giving proper lessons one summer but kinda called it quits after one of the first sessions - it was with a guy in Berkeley who was really into Springsteen and also into Jesus. He wanted to learn the song from "Philadelphia" but the chords hurt his hands. Then he complained that the movie was about homos. That's when I quit.

Intervue Skillz: Super stuff. Thanks for taking time out of your schedule to talk to us!

Good Old Mike Senese: It's been lots of fun.

===

Experience the sonic magesty of Michael James Senese for yourself! Download his beefy track "Hot Weiners" and get your listen on.

Phone Call to a Former Friend

"Uh, hi Kike. This is Smart Money calling. Hope everything's going well and all that. So, dude - I was wondering, do you still have that guitar I loaned you like a year ago? It's that black Guild - kinda vintage-looking, acoustic, has that, um, sticker with the frowny face. I was looking through some pictures and found one of me playing it, and I realized I had forgotten all about it. I don't know if you just forgot too that you had it or whatever, but it would be great to get it back, man. I wish I had fuckin' remembered that you had it - woulda seriously been nice to have that for the past year. So yeah - give me a call back and let me know when you can come by and drop it off. Bye."

"Hey Smart - it's Mike Keikel. Um, got your message and, uh, I guess you forgot but I actually gave that guitar back to you about like less than a week or so after I borrowed it. Remember, you had me meet you and that guy Nick who I knew from my old job and his girlfriend over at that Italian restaurant near the museum? I fuckin' can't remember what - oh yeah, it's called Antonio's, and you guys were outside smoking cigarettes and waiting for a table and I drove by and had to circle around like four times because there was no parking anywhere and you guys were all laughing because I looked all nervous dealing with downtown traffic (chuckles). And then I finally just parked in the bus zone and I got out and opened my trunk and you guys came over and I gave you the guitar and then the bus came up and started honking and then that policeman came up and said he was going to give me a ticket. And then you fuckin' told the policeman to fuck off (chuckles), and I was like 'Uh, please don't do that dude, I'm the one with the car here.' Seriously, how can you not remember that? It's so fucking specific that I just can't see how you wouldn't remember that! Oh well (chuckles). Give me a call back if you have any questions about it or whatever. Oh yeah and also, I don't really go by Kike anymore, so - um, yeah. Thanks man. Bye."

===


Todd Rundgren

Predictions by Smartradamus #1: There is a 100% chance that The Postal Service will cover Todd Rundgren's "A Dream Goes on Forever." I ain't lyin!*

*I'm lyin'. It's more like a 95% chance.

lyrics to "i do what i want," from punk rock parents, an imaginary concept album about unabashedly irresponsible living in portland, oregon.

verse:
yesterday i called my boss and told him i was sick
i doubt that he believed me but i just don't give a shit
i got dressed at eleven took a walk around the block
and i rented "boogie nights" and brought it back up to the spot
i got comfy on the couch and poured up a glass of wine
you might think i shouldn't drink it up at such an early time
but if you really think i care well then you're tragically mistaken
i do what i wanna do because the money that i'm makin'
is amazing so i'm actin' like a rotten little bastard
i didn't make my bed up and my room was a disaster
when the movie finished i biked to the pearl district
went in the whole foods and got some organic triscuits
i made fun of all the hippies cuz they doin' funny shit
and i went back up to the crib and played atari 26
hundred and i love it cuz the graphics make me laugh
then i read some comic books and made myself delicious snacks
like pasta tossed with feta cheese
i wrote dirty song parodies and read about celebrities
i know that you all hate me cuz i'm doin what i wanna
while you suckers stay in school and say no to marijuana
if you really think i care well then you're tragically deluded
i do what i wanna do and do it when i wanna do it

outro:
you know what i'm sayin? i just called my job on up and was like "hey guys, sorry, but i'm stayin' home." i watched burt reynolds do his thing and downed a bottle of chuck shaw. copped some delicious woven wheats and hummus - totally free or preservatives. came back and played yars' revenge for a while and then checked out the latest issue of "us weekly." all this before 3:30pm! just straight up enjoyed myself all day long. peace.

===


Meanest Man Contest (I'm the balder one)

Try this: Rap the above raps to the beat of the day! Said beat is
"Sorry" by Meanest Man Contest, and it will quite likely slam the shit out of your ears. WATCH OUT!