Tried and True Attention-Getting Tactics
Friday, June 04, 2004
Takako Minekawa
Your cat needs a theme song. May I suggest Takako Minekawa's "Fantastic Cat?" Yes, I may.
Just imagine how cute that little motherfucker is gonna look dancing around to his/her new soundtrack. You're gonna laugh your head off!
===
The End Is Nigh: OK, so Smartin's coming back tomorrow from his minitour, which means my reign of radness here at TATAGT is coming to a close in a quick way. I'm a bit bummed about it, because I didn't get to exhibit for you as many facets of the Self-Loathing Street Fashion Whore Rappish Jew as I'd hoped to. You really only got to see bitterness and nostalgia, which are but two of about seven or eight elements of the particular persona I happen to have been cursed with when I was birthed. Unlucky you - you didn't get to experience unenviable self-righteousness, indignant bumbling of issues pertaining to sexual and/or office politics, or even any good old fashioned mismanagement of funds intended for charitable donation. That said, I wouldn't dare leave you without at least one taste of that most trademark of qualities possessed by the B-Boy Limping Semite. You know the one: Incredibly Trite Sardonicism. Here goes nothin'!
Or Your Money Back: Five Names That Will Never Be Used By Rap Groups ... Guaranteed!
* Magical AssGrab Gang
* Some Str8 Homoz
* Poop Troupe
* Fun-E Clownz (of Rap)
* The Softer Side (of Hip-Hop)
Bye for now! Happy Sabbath, you filthy Jews!
posted by Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew 1:15 PM
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Cilla Black
Mellow Drama
Once, years ago, I was whining to a friend about a girl. Said friend nodded understandingly as I complained that said girl didn't like me or had kissed another guy or whatever the hell it was that was the matter. When I finished, he placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it tightly. He gave me a look that can only be described as stern, and said slowly and loudly that I needed to "stop acting like a longing little lady and buck the fuck up like a big boy."
Sure, it bugged me tons. But even back then, I recognized that his words were pure poetry. So, here's to the alpha male with a soft spot for sophisticated phrasing. Drink up, boys!
And if you're feeling blue about someone who's been untrue, take it from me - don't be a crying bitch about it. Cilla Black wants to help. Her rendition of "Anyone Who Had a Heart" is better than Dionne Warwick(e)'s.
===
Two and a Half Minutes in the Jewish Singles Chat
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: Damn, it's lonely like a motherfucker up in this piece.
Jewess1977: LOL! Whatcha mean? What’s "this piece?"
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: I mean life. It’s so awful. Nobody loves me and I want to die! So I’m in a fucking chat room trying to meet other lonely bastard Jews.
Jewess1977: LOL! Bad boy! Don’t say that.
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: What kind of music do you like?
Jewess1977: Hmm, I dunno. I like everything.
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: Everything? Even bad music?
Jewess1977: LOL! Everything except rap and country.
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: That’s not everything then. Hey, are you actually laughing out loud when you write LOL?
Jewess1977: Yeah!
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: Then you’re sure one giggly-ass motherfucker.
Jewess1977: I also don’t like heavy metal.
Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew: Do they even make heavy metal music any more? Oh, hey - gotta run, my gefilte filets are charring!
Jewess1977: LOL, bye!
posted by Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew 1:53 PM
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Jew News You Can Use: Smart Money is currently away on tour, promoting his latest untitled collection of epic poetry and apolitical essays. Guest contributor Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew will be taking over the reins of TATAGT for a few days. Take it away, Jewbacca!
Yo, what up? Welcome to "The Yarmulke Chronicles," with your host, The Rappy Semite. They used to call me The Rapping Semite, but I don't actually rap. But I do wear the freshest fashions and use an unreasonable amount of street slang in normal conversation, so The Rappy Semite it is. I'd like to start off by saying that this really fucking happened:
Overheard on a bus in Oakland
Man: No shit! I didn't know Maggie Gyllenhaal was a Jew. She's totally hot.
Woman: Yeah, I know. She looks regular American.
===
The Fans Speak, Vol. 3:
Smartin:
Do you take requests? If so, I'd like to hear something just flat out fun!!! Play me a song that will make me feel lighthearted and happy. Because that's really all I want out of life. I don't want to think about all the garbage and mean people that we have to deal with every day. I just want to hang out with my friends and my cat, maybe watch a "Seinfeld" rerun or two, eat delicious food, and listen to music that doesn't make me sad. No more making everything so complicated, people!!! And I hate arguing, so that'll have to go too. OK, thanks!!!
Yours truly,
A Total Dunce
Harry Connick, Jr.
Yo. Hi and thanks for writing in. Smartin is away from the Internet for the next few days, so I'm responding to you in his stead. Your coddled obliviousness indicates that you're wealthy and white, and probably also Jewish. So maybe you'd like to hear something from a Broadway musical? That'd be cute and utterly palatable! Try Harry Connick, Jr.'s take on "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" from Annie.
Big stupid grins all around,
The Rappy Jew
Yo, what up? Welcome to "The Yarmulke Chronicles," with your host, The Rappy Semite. They used to call me The Rapping Semite, but I don't actually rap. But I do wear the freshest fashions and use an unreasonable amount of street slang in normal conversation, so The Rappy Semite it is. I'd like to start off by saying that this really fucking happened:
Overheard on a bus in Oakland
Man: No shit! I didn't know Maggie Gyllenhaal was a Jew. She's totally hot.
Woman: Yeah, I know. She looks regular American.
===
The Fans Speak, Vol. 3:
Smartin:
Do you take requests? If so, I'd like to hear something just flat out fun!!! Play me a song that will make me feel lighthearted and happy. Because that's really all I want out of life. I don't want to think about all the garbage and mean people that we have to deal with every day. I just want to hang out with my friends and my cat, maybe watch a "Seinfeld" rerun or two, eat delicious food, and listen to music that doesn't make me sad. No more making everything so complicated, people!!! And I hate arguing, so that'll have to go too. OK, thanks!!!
Yours truly,
A Total Dunce
Harry Connick, Jr.
Yo. Hi and thanks for writing in. Smartin is away from the Internet for the next few days, so I'm responding to you in his stead. Your coddled obliviousness indicates that you're wealthy and white, and probably also Jewish. So maybe you'd like to hear something from a Broadway musical? That'd be cute and utterly palatable! Try Harry Connick, Jr.'s take on "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" from Annie.
Big stupid grins all around,
The Rappy Jew
posted by Self-Hating Hip-Hop Jew 11:12 AM
Monday, May 31, 2004
Nobody Believes Anything They Read on the Internet: Two Albums Released in 2003 That Didn't Sell Well Despite Receiving My Adjective-Loaded Praise on RollingStone.com
LD Beghtol of Flare
Flare
Hung
(Le Grand Magistery)
Flare's second full-length expertly unites symphonic indie rock, country folk, and noise in a masterwork of experimental pop. Singer-songwriter LD Beghtol (best known for his vocal contributions to the Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs) and co-producer/jack-of-all-trades Charles Newman serve up a brooding and beautiful collection of love songs about fraud and fatality that doubles as a tour of New York City's seedier streets. The band is big into epic Brill Building string arrangements and makes good use of an oddball collection of gear that includes a toy piano, saws, bells, glockenspiels, ukuleles and banjos. The intricate instrumentation works to great effect on tracks like "(Don't Like) The Way We Live Now," an extravagantly harmonious ode to the dating scene that features Stephin Merritt and John Wesley Harding singing backup. Lyrically, Beghtol salts cynical realism with humor, making Hung the rare confessional that is heartfelt without being overwrought.
The Watchers
The Watchers
To the Rooftops
(Gern Blandsten)
To the Rooftops is an off-kilter affair that proudly amps the drums and bass to the front of the mix to recall the early-Eighties minimalist funk of A Certain Ratio and Liquid Liquid. But don't write this Chicago band's music off as more of that dreaded brand of too-cool-on-purpose, No Wave rehash; this stuff is looser and exhibits the influence of honest-to-goodness dub reggae, jazz, and soul way more than any album that's come out of the current retro movement. The record is at its best when it shakes with the dance-floor energy of "My Cube," a post-punker that sounds like a long-lost Factory Records B-side for about ten seconds, before it shifts gears into a hypnotic jam session reminiscent of early Talking Heads. Melding plucky exuberance with wry detachment, the Watchers serve up a tasteful rock & roll art party.
===
Garland Green
The Golden Era: I swear there wasn't a bad song recorded between 1967 and 1971 - except for all that crappy Doors stuff. In '69, Garland Green (SWEET fucking name, bro) straight killed it with "Jealous Kind of Fella," a deep soul ballad where the singer apologizes to his girl for having beaten the shit out of some dude who's tryin' to get at her. Ingenious!!!
LD Beghtol of Flare
Flare
Hung
(Le Grand Magistery)
Flare's second full-length expertly unites symphonic indie rock, country folk, and noise in a masterwork of experimental pop. Singer-songwriter LD Beghtol (best known for his vocal contributions to the Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs) and co-producer/jack-of-all-trades Charles Newman serve up a brooding and beautiful collection of love songs about fraud and fatality that doubles as a tour of New York City's seedier streets. The band is big into epic Brill Building string arrangements and makes good use of an oddball collection of gear that includes a toy piano, saws, bells, glockenspiels, ukuleles and banjos. The intricate instrumentation works to great effect on tracks like "(Don't Like) The Way We Live Now," an extravagantly harmonious ode to the dating scene that features Stephin Merritt and John Wesley Harding singing backup. Lyrically, Beghtol salts cynical realism with humor, making Hung the rare confessional that is heartfelt without being overwrought.
The Watchers
The Watchers
To the Rooftops
(Gern Blandsten)
To the Rooftops is an off-kilter affair that proudly amps the drums and bass to the front of the mix to recall the early-Eighties minimalist funk of A Certain Ratio and Liquid Liquid. But don't write this Chicago band's music off as more of that dreaded brand of too-cool-on-purpose, No Wave rehash; this stuff is looser and exhibits the influence of honest-to-goodness dub reggae, jazz, and soul way more than any album that's come out of the current retro movement. The record is at its best when it shakes with the dance-floor energy of "My Cube," a post-punker that sounds like a long-lost Factory Records B-side for about ten seconds, before it shifts gears into a hypnotic jam session reminiscent of early Talking Heads. Melding plucky exuberance with wry detachment, the Watchers serve up a tasteful rock & roll art party.
===
Garland Green
The Golden Era: I swear there wasn't a bad song recorded between 1967 and 1971 - except for all that crappy Doors stuff. In '69, Garland Green (SWEET fucking name, bro) straight killed it with "Jealous Kind of Fella," a deep soul ballad where the singer apologizes to his girl for having beaten the shit out of some dude who's tryin' to get at her. Ingenious!!!
posted by Smart Money 12:34 PM
