Tried and True Attention-Getting Tactics

PJ Proby

PJ Proby - "Somewhere"

In 1991, I got caught shoplifting a book from a Tower Records that’s been out of business for about six years now. I was spotted by a burly bald fucker with an atrocious red goatee who followed me outside, grabbed the back of my shirt collar, and ordered me to come back in. He wasn’t a real policeman, of course, but the line between legitimate authority figure and some fat asshole with a boner about being a rent-a-cop is a bit blurry when you’re 14 – so I caved with embarrassing immediacy and accompanied him to the store’s backroom. I don’t remember much except that he yelled at me real loud and called my stepmother, who – judging by the incredulous expression on the security guard’s face – either told him to screw off or laughed and hung up after he explained the situation. Whatever happened on her end of the phone, I was on a bus back to my house within the half-hour, smiling broadly and skimming through the stolen tome; Indeed, Tower’s hired gun had somehow forgotten to take it back from me.

I picked that book off my shelf last week. It’s called "Signifying Rappers" and was co-written by David Foster Wallace, who you’ve definitely heard of if you’re into "serious" contemporary authors. "Signifying Rappers" is an extended essay about hip-hop’s cultural significance that appealed to me when I was in middle school because it intellectualized rap’s methods in a way that made me feel smart for liking music that had the word "fuck" in it a lot. But when I flipped through the book recently, it made me want to puke. The difference between then and now? In my aged wisdom I’ve come to realize that when you beat something fun into the ground with too much smartsy talk, you rob it of its very soul.

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A song to steal books by: "Daydream" by the Wallace Collection. The beginning is perfect because it has this cool sneaky spy movie thing to it and the joyous choral singing at the end will be the perfect accompaniment to the sheer triumph you'll enjoy when you realize you haven't been caught.